Brutally Romantic

Sweep them off their feet and live happily ever after? Come on, this isn't fairytale territory here, nor even is it a Bruce Willis movie.

Game characters might be able to shoot the wings off a fly at a hundred paces, but they bungle the emotional stuff all the time. Gordon Freeman let Alyx Vance get stabbed, while Commander Shephard's list of exes reads more like a thesis on extinction agendas. Gaming romances are tragedies in the making, and are harsh life lessons.

They say that true love flies true. In the digital domain, Cherub's wings are broken and the rose-cheeked messenger is beaten half to death. Don't believe us? Throughout gaming history we've seen plenty of examples of why romantic entanglements are dangerous ground for any number of gaming characters. Here's the best (or worst) of the bunch. You have to wonder if there's the pain of a lot of failed relationships being exorcised by game creators upon the digital frontiers.

RAPPING FOR BOWEL RELIEF

The whole concept behind the loveable rapping dog's game is to build up enough self-confidence to win the heart of his true love Sunny Funny. However, the path of romance is flushed down the crapper when Parappa's trademark cry of "I gotta believe!" turns to "I gotta relieve!" as due to nervousness and over-eating, he's caught short during his first date. Cue bundling into the car and a pained rush to find a toilet before his guts explode. At least it leads to one of the most memorable sequences in a game full of them.

CUBE'S INFERNO

Some relationships burn twice as strongly, but burn out twice as fast. Such is the tale of woe, as that of a Chell and her weighted Companion Cube. It's one of the most bizarre love affairs of recent years, but its no less-heartbreaking when you've got to chuck your beloved object down the incinerator to survive. The pain is summed up best with this fan-made video. Proof that when the choice must be made between self-sacrifice and a loved one, most are going to relearn their lust for life. Much like the next two on our list. Or should that be three?

THE DOUBLE DRAGON BACKSTAB

This tale of two brothers united by friendship rather than blood climaxes in an ending that should otherwise be known as "the Suckerpunch". After fighting their way through street gangs and epic bosses, they put aside the fact they've watched each other's backs all this way in a duel to the death over who'll win the hand for love interest Marian. We would have called it a day and just went to get a beer instead.

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA'S BROKEN HEARTS

But the one death due to Marian's interference is nothing compared to the trail of broken hearts and wrecked homes left in the wake by the green-clad forest elf Link. The ladies of Hyrule and beyond need to get together and form a "I hate Link Club", because if they hadn't known him, their lives wouldn't have been so horrendous.

Zelda's obviously the big one. If she hadn't have befriended Link in Ocarina of Time, he wouldn't have opened the Temple of Time and let Ganon take over Hyrule, thereby forcing Zelda to spend her better years masquerading as Sheik.

While Link tries to save his best friend Saria, she ultimately awaken as a Sage (it's heavily suggested if not specifically said that she dies in order to reawaken in spirit form) and we all know eternal spiritual enlightenment comes at the price of forsaking physical desires.

Worst is Marin in Link's Awakening, who is a resident of Koholint Island where Link finds himself washed up after a storm. By helping the hero escape she unwittingly erases herself and her home from existence, as the entire island is but a figment of a sleeping god's dream. That's got to suck.

THE RESIDENT EVIL RESCUERS

Falling in love with the hero of the day, and trying to save your new found-love is definitely is asking for Death to come an-knocking on your door. Resident Evil offers two prime examples: Ada Wong is killed protecting Leon S Kennedy (she gets better though) while Steve Burnside becomes the next test subject for Umbrella through his association with Claire Redfield in Code Veronica and snuffs it almost immediately. Epic AND sappy at the same time.

THE GOLDEN SAUCER DATE

But there's only one failed relationship that has caused gamers to walk into their local GAME store only to break down in tears talking about it (true story), and that's the one found in Final Fantasy VII.

Depending on your responses over the early part of the game, when you stop to rest for a night in the epic amusement park that is Golden Saucer, you'll end up getting a knock at your hotel room door by either Tifa, Yuffie or Aeris.

It's the latter most likely most would hope for, leading to a beautifully awkward date as a shy flower girl and a taciturn ex-Shin-Ra solider struggle with their feelings for each other. The date itself is one of the quieter highlights of Final Fantasy VII, taking in a play (in which you join the troupe on stage) and a Chocobo race. It was a memorising, and emotionally strong moment for some. Pity then only a few hours later your lady friend became worm food. Talk about the worst break-up in history.

DEATHLY MARIA

No less an emotional kicker is this key scene in Gears of War 2 as Dom finally finds his wife Maria.

The pursuit has formed the emotional backbone to Epic's muscle-bound sequel, and the developer delivers one hell of a take on the traditional "rescue the princess" scenario, and sticks the middle finger to hollywood blockbusters that would have you believe characters can come out of the other side of torturous conditions with nary a cut and make-up still carefully applied.

LOVE = KIDNAP, ABUSE

Note: if you're a princess, or in love with the hero, you might as well get yourself measured for the coffin right now. Princess Peach has been kidnapped so many times by now you'd think Mario would think with his head rather than his heart and try going with someone non-descrip.

And even if the hero doesn't care, its not going to stop his arch-nemesis from swiping her. Step forward Amy Rose - bane of Sonic's (and his fans) life since Sonic CD.

...AND FINALLY

Okay, okay, we can't leave this list without a little ray of hope and stop you from all getting depressed. So we'll close with an uplifting note rather than a sour one, and bring us right back round to the rhytm-action genre. This time with an acoustic moment from usually-rocking Gitaroo Man. If you're not moved by this, you're a cold-hearted bastard.